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[31 Mar 2003|11:05pm]
someone buy me something.

American Eagle

Pacific Sunwear



...see i dont ask for much:)
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I guess this is growing up [30 Mar 2003|01:45am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so for the past two days i have done really nothing much besides think.
ive been thinking about everything and anything. mainly about growing up and how everything/one has changed.about how i am very over being a "child" or "kid" and have been for awhile. i am ready to move on and have a life of my own and i feel i am ready and prepared. espicially since i am no longer in attendance at a highschool and should be "graduated" in about less than 5 months. meanwhile i should be able to work atleast two jobs. and soon enough i should hopefully have enough money saved up to get the hell out of here.

i just feel i have to move on with my life like it seems like everyone around me already is/has.

i think i am just having a really hard time dealing with the reality of the fact that out of my group of friends that i grew up with that 2 of them are in there 2nd year of college, 1 of them is about to give birth to a baby girl, and the other two are graduating this year. It is just a very wierd/strange feeling.Especially knowing that here I am doing nothing.

It just feels extremely lonely.

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RUFIO, RU-FIO, RU-FI-O! [11 Mar 2003|12:21am]
[ mood | depressed ]


Harden up to everyone.
Emotion's all dead.
Face first in the mudd.
A lost cause, upsidedown.

Your selfishness, is wearing thin.
Alone and strong.
Not giving in to selfishness to anyone.
If anything turns inside out look to the cloudiness in your eyes.

Turning anger to your friends.
Blaming things on them.
Breaking rules and promises.
Blaming faces, unknown.

Harden up to everyone.
Emotion's all dead.
Face first in the mudd.
A lost cause, upsidedown.


this song also sums up how i have felt for awhile and once again it is by rufio.

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OH go kill yourself already [11 Mar 2003|12:03am]
[ mood | lonely ]

i cant even tell you how much i <3 rufio.


so close to
no one that
you care for
cause you dont care
its not worth it
cant think straight

so take your pill
and stop whining
so close your eyes
and think of your lies
behind the wall
of innocence lost
think of family
and think of your friends
think about all these thoughts will be gone when your dead dead

always feel discomfort
always feel alone well who cares about it
cant find a
good reason
to stay here

so stop whining
so close your eyes
and think of your lies
behind the wall
of innocence lost
think of family
and think of your friends
think about all these thoughts will be gone

if you really did
want to end your life
you'd be gone by now
its just a cop out

you cant pull through
you dont know what to do
you analyze it
but you cant see straight
you dont know what to think
dont blame your shit on me
its getting older these days
just keep on passing by
please be alone

so close your eyes
and think of your lies
behind the wall innocence lost
think of family
and think of your friends
think about all these thoughts will be gone when your dead, dead


wow if that doesnt describe how i feel right now i dont know what would(esp parts in bold). seriously i know i sound like a pshyco. trust me if you meant me you would never know or expect me to be like this, but that is why this is a journal, get to find out how i really feel:) so if i know you in R/L feel privelaged you get to read this cause i dont tell anyone anything:)

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REVAMPED! [09 Mar 2003|01:54am]
[ mood | sick ]

been busy on changing the look of the LJ so these are the entries i saved in notepad over the last two days enjoi.

[[SATURDAY 2AM]] 030803
its almost 2:00 am and i cant go to sleep cause i cant stop thinking about him.

about how much i screwed up when i had a chance. it just drives me insane because i just cant stop thinking about him / talking about him and yet i very much doubt that i probably even cross his mind anymore.

gotta love being lonely:(

ugh anyways today has beeen miserably boring. i didnt go to school today(um..whats new?). i woke up w/ my mom screaming get up! arent you going to go to school today? ... do you want me to check into the GED program for you today? and all i could say was sure...why not? i freakin give up. school is just not worth it to me anymore. it just adds so much more stress to my already overly stressful life and i know no matter how much i attend, how hard i work i am going to get screwed over.
anyways... i fell back asleep and didnt wake up until almost 2. got up , basically spent my day on landromatic.net, cleaned up in the kitchen threw away the clothes i dont wear/ cant sell. then showered and went out to eat w/ my mom and dad.

We went to famous amos( bleh). But while we were there it just never ceases to amaze me how my parents not once mentioned the fact that i havent been going to school and am not doing well. i swear its like my parents dont like to bring up/talk about things that are happening that are bad/not healthy. they just like to pretend everything/everyone is happy. its just wierd to me.
came home back to laundromatic. i am such a dork. that is what happens when you have no life.

Ugh I have eaten so much today/tonite i feel sick.I havent made a bathroom trip tonite( i did earlier before i took a shower, have to get rid of lunch;) but now i feel like if i dont throw up i am gonna like die.
i need to go on a diet seriously like i am getting desperate. I am just too depressed it is like I eat to see how much I can throw up. It is gross and I know I need help. But who do I go too? My parents know it goes on but like I said they like to pretend everything is happy and nothing is wrong. And I have pushed friends so far away that I couldnt even call them up to say hey let alone ask for help.

someone come take me away please?

...someone explain to me why i am eating crackers after i just said i was full? oy vey.

[[SUNDAY 2AM]] 030903
today was a blah day. slept till 10 am( considering i didnt go to bed till 4am i had expected to sleep later) , got up got on the internet for a little bit watched some stupid saturday morning tv show( it was a show that looked like it was trying to imitate something like survivor only w/kids) ate some peanut butter crackers, took a shower made a "bathroom trip" ,got dressed and chilled till my mom got home.then we went out to eat ( China Buffet - i <3 this place). at lunch we talked about my dad and his little work situation.came home fell back asleep watching cops got up and went and got some wendys chili. just showered and yes i got rid of the chili;)now i am getting ready to wash clothes. LOTS AND LOTS OF CLOTHES. ugh considering i have a mom that refuses to no house work whatsoever.

- do ALL piles of laundry
- go through all of the papers and crap in baskets
- take trash bags out
- figure out what to sell on laundromatic.net
- wash messenger bag and go through crap in it

on a completely random note earlier tonite i was just sitting here on the computer and for some reason i just starting thinking about what i would do if my cat died, and of course just the thought of it i started crying. is it normal for a human being to be this attached to an animal? i swear its to the point where i would rather die before my cat. i need help i swear.

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